I keep saying to myself that I didn't even get to see her to say goodbye. I didn't go see her at Christmas and I even said "well, I will stop in when we're home for Ashley's wedding in April." I surely didn't know I wouldn't get to see her again. I've cried, at kind of random times. I'm a little bit numb but I'm still very much hurting. Maybe it's because I'm here and all that is going on there. It doesn't quite seem real.
I'm trying to keep Satan from creeping in and laying on the guilt of not seeing her before we returned home but he's a creeper, and I'm a little weak. This is the culmination of my absolute biggest fear in life...losing people I love. I told God he wasn't allowed to take away my loved ones because I'm not strong enough to take it. He didn't exactly listen. Or maybe I'm stronger than I think.
Regardless, there's a hole. There's some pain. Major heart burn, emotionally and physically. It's been spewing up my esophagus since yesterday. I didn't know emotional pain caused physical pain.
It's weird. I'm usually the first to go running to people, telling them what has happened...but I can't right now. It's like if I tell someone else, then it makes it real. I don't want it to be real.
I actually have always been kind of desensitized to people who lose their grandparents. When people tell me their grandparents died I secretly thought, "It's not a big deal. It's not your parents. They are old. They've lived their life. Now they are in heaven. What are you so upset about?" I suppose its just because my grandparents all died before I was even 12. Hardly enough time to be bonded to people you barely knew.
I think I never thought that Grandma Ruth would ever die. She was 92. She was healthy. She had nothing wrong with her. She couldn't die. Too many people depended on her. Or at least I thought God knew that. But here it is. A day I thought wouldn't come and of course I feel a way I never thought I would feel. Hurt.
The only joy I feel right now is 1) I know for absolutely SURE that she is in heaven. No doubt. They are having a huge party because she came home. She might even be sitting on the right hand of God, right next to Jesus. And 2) She got to meet Landon. And he adored her. And she adored him. I remembered that in May I got some pictures of the two of them together. And it's really the first thing to make me smile in two days. I guess I'll just focus on that.
