Does God Really Give You the Desires of Your Heart?

When I was in high school, and for a year after, I had a boyfriend.  He was a serious boyfriend, in that we talked about our future together which included marriage and kids.  I was convinced he was the one for me.  I was not a Christian at the time but I believed God existed and I did pray on a regular basis.  "God help me to score 15 points in the game," "God let me get an 'A' on my test (even though I didn't study)," "God let me get the solo I tried out for."  And during this particular relationship, I prayed A LOT.  Our relationship was pretty tumultuous and unhealthy for the most part and I was constantly asking God to "fix this" or "help him to love me" or "stop him from cheating on me again."  When I look back on it now, it makes me a little sick to my stomach to know the things I put up with all because I loved him but we all know that, generally speaking, teenagers + love = drama.

I prayed almost every night for God to let us be together forever.  Somehow, in the middle of all the turmoil, I could still imagine this beautiful life, in a beautiful house, with beautiful jobs and beautiful kids.  Love is soooooooooooo blind.  After about our fourth break-up and reunion, I started to realize that this was probably not going to last forever.  When our final break-up happened, I was beyond furious with God.  I told Him I hated Him and would never, ever, talk to Him again.  I decided that God hated me and that I was obviously just going to have to live this life on my own.  Which doesn't generally turn out well.

I hit rock bottom.  I rebelled quite a bit.  I would do things that I knew were destructive just because they were destructive.  God could care less about my desires, so why should I care about His?

Fast forward about fifteen years and I can't believe that was my desire.  I can't know for sure what would have happened if God had given me the desires of my heart back then but I can almost bet it would have ended in infidelity, divorce, depression, children stuck in the middle of a custody battle and deep pain.  Not only that, but I would have robbed myself of the chance to meet my husband.  A man who loves me unconditionally, edifies and encourages me and never makes me feel insecure or unworthy.

If you are like me, you have seen many instances and circumstances in your life that you were sure was the best thing for you, only to have God either not answer your prayers or seemingly slam the door in your face.  And if you're like me, at the time you feel angry, frustrated and confused only to walk a little ways down the road and find a rainbow at the end of the storm.  The clouds lifted, the sun came out and that unanswered prayer became a blessing - not a disaster.

I'm always cautious when people post things on Facebook or preachers preach on the subject of God answering prayer.  Our society has become one that makes God look like a "genie in a bottle," here to give us our every desire.  Step right up.  Tell me your request.  Your wish is my command.  And when things don't go our way, suddenly the Genie you were praying to is nothing more than a heartless, vengeful God.

Too many people turn to these popular passages in the Bible when asking God for a favorable answer to prayer:

"...ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." -John 15:7

"...so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give you." -John 15:16

You know why these passages make me cringe?  Because they are incomplete.  They are just an afterthought to the main point of the passage.  Unfortunately, they are the only parts that people memorize and ultimately throw in God's face when He doesn't comply.

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." - John 15:7 

"You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give you." - John 15:16

The key word that struck me this morning was the word abide.  To abide in the terms mentioned by Jesus is to rest or dwell.  To be firm and unmovable.  To wait for.  To endure or sustain.  Believers that abide in Jesus are not shaken or thwarted when a prayer is not answered in the way they expected.  But also, Believers that abide in Jesus have a transformation of their prayers as well.  Their prayers move from a selfish and inward approach to a selfless and outward approach.  When someone really abides in Jesus, and are not just seeking Him for personal gain, their relationship with Him is solidified.  What He wants becomes what we want.  His desires become our desires.  Prayer becomes a way to communicate instead of a way to manipulate.

Does God answer outlandish prayers, make miracles happen and bless the socks off His people?  ABSOLUTELY!  But He does it within the confines of His will and what he knows is best for us, not as a reward withheld for only really good Christians.

God's purpose for prayer was never to ensure that His followers were successful, secure, safe, healthy or comfortable in this life - as hard as that is to hear.  God's divine purpose for prayer is to give us successful (and intimate) relationship with Him, a secure truth to stand on, a safe place to go when life is difficult, a healthy spiritual life that withstands trials of any kind and comfort in knowing that this is not all there is - that eternity awaits.

About seven years ago, I was in a very dark place full of anxiety and fear.  Every day I was worried that someone I loved would die.  I didn't want to leave the house.  I didn't want to be separated from my husband and kids.  I decided I needed to seek help and I started seeing a counselor.  Nine long months into counseling and I was beginning to see the light at the end of a dark tunnel.  And then we got a phone call.  My father-in-law passed away very suddenly.  A man that I loved like my own father.  A man who was everything to our family.  A man who was loved by so many.  It could have been crippling.  I could have fallen apart.  Someone reading this may think, "How cruel is God to let that happen when He knew that was her biggest fear?"  And trust me, for a time, that was how I felt, too.  But after some time of grieving, a rainbow appeared and the sun came out and I realized...God didn't do that to me, he prepared me - through counseling - for what He knew was coming.  I prayed for months, even years, that no one I loved would die.  God knew He couldn't answer that prayer the way I wanted Him to, so instead He allowed me to stand firmly on His truths, to heal from things in my past that were affecting my ability to trust Him and to continually seek wise counsel from someone when I couldn't figure things out on my own.  It was the gentle hands of a loving Father that carried me through one of the darkest times of my life, not the harsh hands of a vengeful God who didn't want to answer my prayers.

When we received salvation, we didn't sign a document that provided a checklist of problems that go away and a resolution to every task or difficulty.  We did, however, have a Savior who paid a serious price so that we could have continual communion with a God who knows all, sees all and desires that His people partner with Him in the restoration of this beautifully complicated world.  Even if its just our own beautifully complicated world that needs the restoration.

Anxious, Fearful and Overwhelmed

Awhile back someone said that our family is "the perfect family."  Although they said this flippantly, not in a condemning way or anything, it really, really bothered me.  We have beautiful children whom we love dearly, we love each other dearly, and we have a feeling of purpose and fulfillment because we are living out God's calling on our lives.  All that to say, it makes us content and happy, but it doesn't make us perfect.  We struggle with the same things every other family, who is not living on the mission field, struggles with.  Sometimes Mike and I yell at the kids.  Sometimes we say unkind things to each other.  Sometimes, well a lot of times, our kids are disobedient.  We've struggled with limiting screen time, the proper way to discipline, ways to make our marriage a priority and finances.  If you struggle with it, we struggle with it, too.

About seven years ago, I struggled deeply with depression and anxiety.  It got so bad that I, literally, had a panic attack whenever anyone from our family had to leave the house.  And considering Landon went to school everyday and Mike went to work everyday and Emi went to the babysitter's everyday - you get my drift.  I was absolutely certain that one of us was going to die.  I hardly left our house.  I could barely complete menial tasks.  I was afraid of everything.  And I hid it from everybody.  I still had a job I had to get done, kids to raise, a marriage to uphold - but inside, every day was a struggle to keep from lying in bed all day, drowning in fear.

Somehow, I had it in my mind for awhile that once you became a Christian, you had this "hedge of protection" around you.  A free "get out of pain" card, a guarantee everything would always be alright.

The Christmas before, I was at my sister's house and was looking at all of the pictures on her fridge.  A Christmas card caught my eye that literally became the first domino in a chain reaction that caused me to question everything I had ever thought about how protected I actually was.  This card was from a missionary family my sister's church supported that had two happy parents and two happy kids on it.  In a picture off to the side, resting on a cloud, was a picture of another happy child.  I thought to myself, "That's strange," and asked Amy why the other boy was on a cloud.  "He died on the mission field.  He contracted some bacterial infection and was gone in 24 hours."  I kid you not, the entire room got very small, I started to breathe very shallowly and I excused myself the bathroom.  My family was on the mission field.  I have children on the mission field.  Missionaries aren't covered under "the hedge of protection?" I thought.  Anxiety was born.

When I really got a hold of what was going on, I sought wise counsel.  I began seeing a mentor once a week for about eight months.  It helped me to gain perspective, walk through my anxiety and also learn about the real heart of God.  I was eventually able to leave my house, and let my loved ones leave the house, without thinking about the worst case scenario.  They would leave.  They would come back.  Bye, bye anxiety.

Or so I thought.

A week ago, Mike nonchalantly tells me that he and Landon were going to Santo Domingo with the soccer teams to play some games there.  They would be taking a bus and would be gone most of the day.  Suddenly, visions of all the movies I have ever seen where foreigners take a rickety bus, over a winding road that has ravines on either side of it, went all crazy in my head.  I had a panic attack on the spot and for the three days leading up to the trip.  To top it off, the night before the trip, Landon starts having a panic attack about leaving, as well.  He was begging with everything in him to stay home and not go.  I was sure this was a "sign from God" that something bad was going to happen.  When Landon went to his room, I begged Mike not to go.

The morning of the trip, I was a mess but was keeping strong so Landon didn't freak out.  Mike said he cried in the car the whole way to school.  I decided to get my devos out.  I knew I couldn't go back to sleep so I might as well try and keep my mind busy on something else.

I've gotten to the point in my spiritual walk to know when things like this come up - it is a spiritual attack.  A way for The Enemy to paralyze me, to steal away my joy.  A lot of people would like to believe that it's just part of being human, it's normal, it's expected.  If you are one of these people, let me just stop you right there:  There is a REAL Enemy.  He knows you.  He knows your weakness.  He knows everything about you.  And he uses this information for your destruction.  Panic attacks aren't normal.  It's not part of being human.  It's not expected.

So before I read anything in my Bible or devotional, I decided to just write in my journal about how I was feeling.  And what I wrote completely took me by surprise:

"Right now I'm thinking, 'Is this God trying to warn us?' or 'Is Satan trying to rob Landon of a great experience?'  I know the determining factor in all of this is fear.  I feel afraid, anxious, nervous, overwhelmed...but here's the thing: none of these emotions are things God "puts on" His beloved.  Those are weapons of The Enemy.  Satan is constantly trying to steal the joy from God's people.  Paralyzing people with fear is his most powerful weapon.  So today I will CHOOSE joy, not fear."

My struggle with anxiety has always been deciphering between if God was trying to speak to me or if Satan was trying to deceive me.  And for the first time I saw the Word of God come to life and comfort me in a real way.  We all know that the Bible tells us "Do Not Be Afraid" and "Don't be anxious." So if that's what God's Word says than that's how we know when HE is speaking rather than the Enemy deceiving.

It changed everything for me.

Whenever I had an anxious feeling that day, I would recite to myself as a reminder,

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

Or,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." -Philippians 4:6

Almost everyone knows those verses.  Heck, I skip over them whenever people put them in their blogs because I know them by heart.  But this time was different -- I didn't just know them by heart, I knew them in my heart.  Those words helped me decipher that Satan was speaking to me, not God.  The loudest voice was fear-ridden, anxiety-stricken and overwhelming.  

It was the still, quiet voice echoed in Scripture that helped me focus on my God, not my perceived problem.