Maine - Arrival Day

when we stepped off the plane in portland, maine all my childhood memories flooded my head. although, as a child, we never flew to maine, just knowing i was there reminded me of everything i loved about it.

back then, we would all cram into our wood-sided station wagon, later to be replaced by a conversion van, none of us wearing seatbelts or sitting in carseats. (remember, these were the days when it wasn't the law, so no judging my parents please.) as we'd pull out of our driveway in pewaukee, wisconsin the absolute first thing out of all of our mouths were, "are we there yet?" followed by hysterical laughing. we'd trek the 21-odd hours of driving, stopping to pee about a million times and always stopping at this huge truck stop/overpass station in new york. it was the first sign that we were close. we'd always get breakfast at mcdonald's, use the restrooms and scour the new york souvenirs in the gift shop. i always wanted to buy something there but never did because i wanted to save my allowance money for a new maine t-shirt and, of course, homemade fudge from kennebunkport.

so as i smelled the fresh air and piled suitcases in cars i felt it, the peace that i was looking for. the rest i was needing. the feeling of no agenda.

half of us took off for the cabin while the other half booked it to Michael's to buy authentic italian sandwhiches and mom and pop pizza. i'd been waiting for its taste, anticipating how incredible all of the rich flavors would take me back. and, oh, did it deliver.

my car arrived after our stop to grab dinner and as we drove down the woodsy path i felt the urge to look at everything. take in every piece of this land. memorize it in order to store it away for a day when i needed a little reminder of how good life is.

and as we pulled up, this is what i saw...

kids already in bathing suits, splashing in the water, people lounging in american flag chairs. i stared for a minute, a bit in awe at the fact that these were my kids playing in my pond.

being grown up in this place is not much different than when i was a kid. it smelled the same, felt the same, looked the same. the only difference was, my parents. i reveled in time spent with them. fascinated by the fact that they are now watching their grandchildren play in swan pond instead of their own kids. finding a balance between watching my kids play and craving conversation and memory-fishing with them. it was so much sweeter than i imagined.

emi's been a little moody lately and quite honestly a little too clingy towards me. i know its hurt mike's feelings a little bit and i've wanted so desperately for her to cling to him again. and that's exactly what happened. she's felt some of mike and i's stress lately and just as i'd seen it so many times before, maine melted all worries and stress away in seconds. she clung to him and smiled her cheesy smile and loved on mike like he was the best thing since sliced bread.

our little ones knew this was a special place. a normally shy and reserved landon jumped into everything he could find. he was enthralled with all the critters he could finally put his hands on after weeks of talking about them. those poor minnows. they had more "love" than i think God ever intended for them.

i am not spontaneous. in fact, i am borderline obsessive compulsive. always needing to stick to routine and stay on schedule and finish my check list. my prayer, before this trip started, was that i would have no agenda. that i wouldn't stick to a plan. that i would let my kids see a side of me that they've never seen and probably longed to. god answered that prayer and then some.

as i walked into our little cabin to set down my bags, i cried. like all the tough things i've been holding onto weren't allowed to enter into that sacred place, so my body expelled of them before i had a chance to pick them up again. i'd never felt so much joy, than in that moment, when i let it all go away in tears and walked my baggage-free body back to watch my kids swim.

Maine Teaser

at the end of august, mike and i loaded the kids up on an early morning flight to portland, maine. i ran across this photo and couldn't resist making a quick post. now, i just need to find time to sort through 1,000 photos and pick my favorites to put up here.

Back-tracking: Visit to Aunt Ashley's

i am attempting to back-blog about some of the great things that went on, even though they were long in the past. our summer was so busy that I just didn't have time to document our family very well. so here is the first of a series of posts (not sure when they will all get up here, still) that will encompass some fun times had a little while back.

we visited one of my sisters, Ashley, and her husband, Tommy, in april. it was a quick visit and really didn't get to see much of Tommy, but me and the kids had some good quality time with Sash.

it's an interesting dynamic, being grown-up sisters, as life changes so much from childhood to adulthood. Ashley and i are polar opposites. i don't think two people could be more different. which in the world of kids usually also means, lots and lots of fighting. i don't remember many days where we didn't fight, except when on vacation to maine (which you will see posts about that soon, too.), but I'm happy to say that all that is behind us. something switched when we were in college. when we didn't compete over silly things. when we embraced our differences. when we just kinda realized, as different as we were, how incredible the other one was. i have a friend now, not just a sister.

since our lives have taken us far apart, her in north carolina in her third year of pediatric residency and me, a missionary in the dominican republic, any chance at a visit is one i grab by the horns.

we went to a park near Ash and Tom's home and the weather was just right for going down slides, playing in sand and swinging on swings. there wasn't a bit of sun and the air was crisp, but it felt beautiful and comfortable just the same.

we discovered Nohemi's deep-rooted fear of swings, only to find her life's greatest joy on the next to-and-fro. as a side note: these three pictures were literally three frames right in a row. kinda funny to see an irrational fear become something of the past...in literally two seconds.

i see you baby girl.

the kids tired of the playground and we were ready to head back but Sash and Lando discovered a secret little spot.

this boy loves him some water. if i believed in reincarnation, i'd believe he was a fish or a turtle in his past life.

there's something so energizing about your family loving on your kids. when i was a kid i could hardly wait for the day i would be a mother. and its even sweeter to be a mom and watch Ashers be an aunt.

First Day of School

I am quite sure that it is not already September. I am also sure that I will NOT be turning 30 this month. And I am even more sure that it is not even remotely possible that I have a four-year-old. I can say what I want, but all these things are true. How could time have moved so quickly?

I was only gone for a minute...

no joke. maybe even only 45 seconds...but their skin is super silky now :)

To Our Daddy...

when us girls are little, we dream of our prince charming. we dream of the guy that will sweep us off our feet, wrap his arms around us and ride off into the sunset on a brilliant, white horse. as childish and naive as all of that sounds, its our hearts desire to find him; the one that will care for us and love us and cherish us all the days of our lives.

i found him.

and although he whisked me off in a chevy S10 pickup instead of a glistening steed, somehow i was one of the blessed ones to be swept off my feet.

our wedding day was absolute bliss. i couldn't have planned it better and certainly wouldn't change anything. it was nothing short of an incredible celebration of the uniting, not only of us, but of our families. there was laughing and dancing and glass clinking...cake smashing, booty shaking and lot of kissing. i never imagined on that day, almost six years ago, that i could love him any more than i did in those moments. its crazy how little we can imagine.

somehow as that little one grows in your belly you can't believe how much you love them without even feeling the touch of their fingers or the soft hairs on their head. but what i wasn't prepared for was how my heart would grow for Mike on the day our first child was born. there's something about a daddy and his son.

i have had the absolute pleasure of taking a center stage, first row seat, to watch how an incredible bond is formed. watching mike love landon only increased my love for him. sometimes i would sit across the room and pretend to be reading, really just watching the two of them play. mike's patience and gentle spirit, that made me fall in love with him in college, are the same characteristics that make him such an incredible dad.

there is nothing that deepens your love for another, like watching them love your babies. and to know that god not only hand-picked landon for the two of us, but also hand-picked us for landon, is a feeling we can never replace.

and as baby number two grew in my belly, i couldn't imagine loving another baby like i did landon. how was it going to be possible? but, oh, is it possible.

and to see mike be the daddy of a little girl, was more than my heart could take. somehow it grew even more, making room for emi and even more room for him.

i never understood the saying, "there's just something about a daddy and his little girl," until i witnessed it firsthand. and i can attest that there really is just something about a daddy and his little girl.

mike is the backbone of our family. he is my rock. there is no one that can calm me down or cheer me up or make me laugh, like him. there is no better fort-builder, or owie-kisser, or spiderman-avenger, than him.

the same calm demeanor and sweet spirit that swept me off my feet eight years ago, still sweeps me away today.

and even when we have to change the 46,574th diaper and watch spiderman for the 5,622nd time and we have the 456th fight over toilet paper or taking out the trash or putting laundry in the hamper...i could never imagine doing life without him.

and even though most people say that we are thousands of miles away from home, i know the real truth....

he is my home.

Happy Father's Day, Baby. We are more than blessed by how you love us.

weather forecast

i've been feelin' it, ya know; the clouds, the darkness, the rain. not weather-speaking, metaphorically-speaking. just feeling the dreariness settle in. it's part of life, i've come to realize, just knowing that days, weeks, months will be amazing and full of joy and then POW, dark.

i've missed blogging. it's my outlet. it's my relief. i took a bit of a hiatus just feeling like i couldn't add one more thing to my tasks of life not realizing how much it releases such sweet aromas of my daily blessings. i'm glad to be back. and although it isn't the most pleasant or enjoyable first post back; its something.

lately, i've been feeling inadequate. specifically in the area of motherhood. like i'm not doing enough and should be doing more. i've been impatient and sometimes unkind and quick to anger. not a biblical example of a mother, anyway. i know you should never compare, to each his own, but i struggle with it a lot. reading other friends' blogs, other mom's blogs and just thinking, "man, am i really screwing my kids up? i should totally be doing more and being more for them." and the more i sit and ponder and compare i truly feel like just giving up sometimes. like its an uphill battle. like i'm not making a difference or growing our kids into godly warriors or spending enough quality time with them that they know how deeply they are loved.

my grandma ruth always said, "we are all from dysfunctional families and spend the rest of our lives trying the heal from them." she was a pretty wise lady. and the most spiritually connected person I have ever known. we may come from good families, even great families, but the fact is we are humans living in a sin-filled, broken world. we are going to make mistakes. we are going to hurt one another. we are going to be impatient and rude and quick to anger. but what gives me hope, even on my dreariest of days, is that all this is covered with jesus. he fills the gaps. he heals the wounds. he gently corrects and guides us along the way.

he covers over my inadequacies. he makes all things new. his mercies are new in the morning. and the thing that he has been reminding me of over and over is how real and tangible night and darkness, and morning and light are. what seems impossible in the dead of night seems doable with the light of morning.

and where i fail as a mom, he succeeds as a savior.

We've got waterbabies...

kinda funny that the title would have the word waterbabies in it and no pictures of babies in water but that's kinda how it goes. mike and i are too busy trying to reign in our crazy babies in the water that there's no actual time for taking photos of them. but we have pictures of them in their suits. and that's pretty cute on its own.

we went to the beach for a night with last week's team and it was great. great to get away from normal life. great to give the kids something to do other than play in and around our house. great to soak up some vitamin D while doused in sunscreen and splashing in pools. sometimes traveling to the grocery store is a pain in the butt with two kids so traveling overnight is generally a monumental disaster, but this time it was quite pleasant.

landon remembered this resort had this fun little (very under equipped) play area because of our friends' jackie and alan, whose wedding was here. the kids probably played in these three tomatoes for 45 minutes to an hour while mike and i sat on the swings and talked. i love accidental conversation with my husband.

emi was a big 'ol mess at the pool. in the south, mess is a funny phrase for she was hysterically fun. she's never really swam in a big pool before and thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. she also thought it was fun to run around the pool's edge driving her mother half insane thinking she was going to inadvertently fall in and then run away as soon as i got within inches of her. yeah. super fun.

but the girl is pretty cute in a bathing suit and sun hat. so i forgave her.

landon was a riot. eating like a pig, poolside, and swimming around in the floaty that we actually bought for emi. he was in rare form adoring all the teenagers that were around and soaking in the extra attention. but mostly he clung to his daddy. thinking he was pretty cool and pretty big for being able to float around by himself.

and yes, he is standing on one foot while drinking a banana mama. the kid's got skillz.

besides a ridiculous fever, body aches and chills that took over my body that night, our trip to the beach was a huge success. i had waves of feeling ok, enough to enjoy the time with my family and marvel at the fact that our two kiddos are getting so big. i feel like i'll be handing landon our car keys soon. that's just scary.

no expectations.

when i met raleigh in college, we were pretty much instant friends. lots has happened to us in the 8 years we've known each other. we've grown up. been through things. changed. she's the kind of friend that i tell the scary stuff too. like when i question things or am struggling with something. she's profoundly deep, spiritually, (although she may try and deny it) and there isn't much i can't run by her, knowing that she'll pray for it and let me know any wisdom she may come upon. so when she told me in december-ish that she decided to spend her spring break here, i was beyond excited. maybe annoyingly excited.

i was a little nervous, too. just because i like to play hostess. i like to have the house spic and span and freshly washed sheets that smell like lavender. but sometimes people don't need a hostess. and while i'm busy trying to 'create' an experience or an environment, sometimes i miss it all. so my nervousness was just about me, knowing me, and hoping to not overwhelm a friend who needed a break, needed to rest and needed time to just 'be.'

our days were filled with nothing. good nothing. unplanned nothing. sure, i had some things that maybe we could do or not do but i really was seeking for God to let our time together be whatever He wanted it to be. and the fact that both of my kids fell in love with her the second she walked in our house was pretty much all my expectations met.

we spent a lot of time outside. eating outside. reading outside. drawing outside. it was the perfect ebb and flow of spring break that kinda felt like summer as a kid. no expectations.

rals and i went to the beach. it was my first time ever driving there myself, and probably my first time ever to the public beach while not 'working' too. we drove most of the time through rain, and as i told her, i'm the worst person ever to go to the beach as i have never gone and experienced sunshine. but the morning clouds proved to just be a ruse as the sun peaked over us right after lunch.

and you can't just eat any ordinary lunch when you're on spring break in the caribbean. so i took her to our special fish and chicken place. nothing like eyeballs staring back at you to spell r-e-l-a-x-a-t-i-o-n.

i was facing away from the beach in my chair and was kinda creeped out by this fairly alive-looking tree trunk. right out of "lord of the rings", it was.

and you can't see it here but we both got ridiculously sunburnt. not totally sure how it happened. but lets just say no matter how much you tell yourself that the clouds are blocking the suns rays, you really know better.

and the day came that raleigh had to leave on an airpwane, as landon says. he was devastated that she had to leave. every morning he would wake up and ask, "is wawee awake?" without fail. every morning. he cried big 'ol crocodile tears when he realized we weren't kidding and she, indeed, had to go. he wouldn't even really give her a hug good-bye. just to show us how 'not cool' it was that she was leaving. luckily we got some smiley pictures before we told him.

and this little girl was smitten. when raleigh sat down on the couch the first night she arrived, emi crawled up on the couch, crawled over her and plopped herself right on raleigh's lap. it was the funniest thing. like even though it was the first time she'd met her, she just knew how important she was. and emi followed rals around the rest of her time here.

it was a great trip. we had great conversations about serious stuff and non-trivial things, like march madness. we had lots of chai and hot tea. like, lots. we had ample down time and no time tables. we watched tv and rested and slept (the kids slept in too, way past what they normally do). and for a trip with no expectations, they were all met. i jokingly said to her at some point, its kinda like her vacation turned into ours too. it was unusual for me to do nothing. i tried not to clean and go crazy picking up toys. i barely touched my computer. i watched the kids play a few extra minutes than maybe i normally would, just because i could. i hope it was what she needed. because it turns out...it was exactly what we needed too.

robot

landon told me he was a robot. it made me smile. i needed it. and i adore his creativity.