no expectations.

when i met raleigh in college, we were pretty much instant friends. lots has happened to us in the 8 years we've known each other. we've grown up. been through things. changed. she's the kind of friend that i tell the scary stuff too. like when i question things or am struggling with something. she's profoundly deep, spiritually, (although she may try and deny it) and there isn't much i can't run by her, knowing that she'll pray for it and let me know any wisdom she may come upon. so when she told me in december-ish that she decided to spend her spring break here, i was beyond excited. maybe annoyingly excited.

i was a little nervous, too. just because i like to play hostess. i like to have the house spic and span and freshly washed sheets that smell like lavender. but sometimes people don't need a hostess. and while i'm busy trying to 'create' an experience or an environment, sometimes i miss it all. so my nervousness was just about me, knowing me, and hoping to not overwhelm a friend who needed a break, needed to rest and needed time to just 'be.'

our days were filled with nothing. good nothing. unplanned nothing. sure, i had some things that maybe we could do or not do but i really was seeking for God to let our time together be whatever He wanted it to be. and the fact that both of my kids fell in love with her the second she walked in our house was pretty much all my expectations met.

we spent a lot of time outside. eating outside. reading outside. drawing outside. it was the perfect ebb and flow of spring break that kinda felt like summer as a kid. no expectations.

rals and i went to the beach. it was my first time ever driving there myself, and probably my first time ever to the public beach while not 'working' too. we drove most of the time through rain, and as i told her, i'm the worst person ever to go to the beach as i have never gone and experienced sunshine. but the morning clouds proved to just be a ruse as the sun peaked over us right after lunch.

and you can't just eat any ordinary lunch when you're on spring break in the caribbean. so i took her to our special fish and chicken place. nothing like eyeballs staring back at you to spell r-e-l-a-x-a-t-i-o-n.

i was facing away from the beach in my chair and was kinda creeped out by this fairly alive-looking tree trunk. right out of "lord of the rings", it was.

and you can't see it here but we both got ridiculously sunburnt. not totally sure how it happened. but lets just say no matter how much you tell yourself that the clouds are blocking the suns rays, you really know better.

and the day came that raleigh had to leave on an airpwane, as landon says. he was devastated that she had to leave. every morning he would wake up and ask, "is wawee awake?" without fail. every morning. he cried big 'ol crocodile tears when he realized we weren't kidding and she, indeed, had to go. he wouldn't even really give her a hug good-bye. just to show us how 'not cool' it was that she was leaving. luckily we got some smiley pictures before we told him.

and this little girl was smitten. when raleigh sat down on the couch the first night she arrived, emi crawled up on the couch, crawled over her and plopped herself right on raleigh's lap. it was the funniest thing. like even though it was the first time she'd met her, she just knew how important she was. and emi followed rals around the rest of her time here.

it was a great trip. we had great conversations about serious stuff and non-trivial things, like march madness. we had lots of chai and hot tea. like, lots. we had ample down time and no time tables. we watched tv and rested and slept (the kids slept in too, way past what they normally do). and for a trip with no expectations, they were all met. i jokingly said to her at some point, its kinda like her vacation turned into ours too. it was unusual for me to do nothing. i tried not to clean and go crazy picking up toys. i barely touched my computer. i watched the kids play a few extra minutes than maybe i normally would, just because i could. i hope it was what she needed. because it turns out...it was exactly what we needed too.

robot

landon told me he was a robot. it made me smile. i needed it. and i adore his creativity.

identity

there will be no photos in this post. how boring, i know. so if you came here just to see some cute littles' photos, go ahead and 'x' out of your browser now.

for the rest of you...

today, i found myself for the first time ever in my life just saying, "my identity is in you, lord. not in my abilities as a soccer player. not in my gifts as a photographer. not in my mothering or my wifer-ing. :) not in my desire to be peacemaker. my identity is in you. as long as i stay connected to you, i feel so confident that i am making right choices and saying right things that it leaves no room for doubt."

by nature, i care what everyone around me thinks of my actions, my words, my thoughts...its exhausting trying to read people, reading me. but several times this week, when i caught myself wondering if the other person was mad at me or if i should have said something different or made myself a little more reserved even though i'm not reserved at all...god just whispered, "you and me, we're connected. you did, and said and thought the things that were in line with me and my will. don't second guess yourself because what you did, and said and thought weren't easy things to do and say and think."

i've felt so confident this week. there were at least three different occasions where i started worrying if i had done something wrong, should i try and rectify it, stroke someone's ego so they wouldn't be mad at me, sacrifice something that i shouldn't sacrifice to make someone else happy. and three times this week when i began my exhausting process of worrying, i stopped, felt god's reassuring voice in my mind and moved right along. it was so liberating. i can't even tell you. this is the connection i've been longing for, for most of my life. knowing that it was there and never quite reaching it. but this week it has overwhelmed me. knowing how close our god is. the god that people say doesn't exist. the god that people say is far away and wrathful. the god that created the universe but still longs to spend every waking moment helping me find my identity in him.

i had to write this feeling down because i know that satan hates it. hates that i realized it this week. hates that it has pulled me closer to my father. hates that its only strengthened my trust and faith in him and diminished this world's power over me.

finding your identity isn't an easy thing. knowing who your identity rests in, is very simple.

more that i love....

since the last post really helped me to keep things in perspective, i'm riding the love train again. just three things that i love and am thankful for. no matter how shallow or deep they may be :)

fried plantains...um, yum. you don't even understand how good these are unless you've come to the dominican
and tried them yourself. and believe me, you'll never go back to just plain 'ol french fries again.

crazy nap hair...she woke up like this. cute, little, heart pacifier in her mouth and this crazy mess of hair. it's
the first time in my life that i have literally run to get my camera so i wouldn't miss the initial essence of something.

girls night...i wouldn't consider myself a girl's girl. i've always had more guy friends than girlfriends. but there is something
about girlfriends that is so necessary in a girl's life. this night we literally did nothing but sit at audrey's kitchen table
and talk for five hours. the three of us have been through A WHOLE LOT in the last 4-5 years, but we keep on truckin' thanks
to the encouragement of friendship.

sinking but praising

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you
will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
-John 16:33

my days have been dark. in recent weeks there have been a lot people i know and have come in contact with that have lost loved ones. specifically children. whereas most people hear about children passing away and feel sad, i hear about children passing away and sink into a deep, dark hole.

everyone's got their thing. the thing that weighs them down sometimes. a chip on their shoulder. luggage being lugged around. mine is fear. unrealized fear. fear of things that have not happened and the fear that they will. my children passing away is just that fear.

almost two years ago i began drowning in depression. no one knew, of course. its not the kind of thing i talk about. not the kind of thing anyone talks about, really. but whereas most people who suffer with depression become depressed because of a trigger, an event, a happening that strikes them down...mine was/is a little harder to pinpoint.

i asked myself time and time again, "how can i feel this way? my children are not dead. my husband is here by my side. we are all safe and sound." but day in and day out i sat in my home, paralyzed with fear that if my family left my side, surely something would happen to them. i dreaded mike having to go anywhere without me. i didn't want my kids (well, landon, emi was still in my tummy) to go anywhere out of my sight. i confined myself to the house as much as i could and put on a happy smile when i went anywhere or saw anyone. i didn't sleep. waking up every hour to check and see if landon was still breathing or if he had passed away since the last time i checked on him. it was brutal. the whole time, satan taunting me in every way, shape and form he could. finding anything that could put me in a tailspin.

i give you this background only to help you better understand my last few weeks. although i have pulled out of the day-in-day-out depression, its ugliness lurks behind every shadow. waiting for when i'm weak to snake its way back into my spirit and paralyze me once again. with the deaths of two children just in the last two weeks, i am weak. i feel myself sinking. i feel myself obsessed with cleaning and making sure no sickness can enter our house. i feel myself waking up hourly to check and make sure the kids are breathing. i feel myself pulling away from my Source and trying to control my environment, instead of just living in His security. but something i'm armed with this time that i wasn't two years ago are His promises in His Word and His followers that continue to encourage me in ways they don't even realize they are. God is being very intentional about not letting me get to that place i was two years ago. i'm tasting it. i'm seeing it. i'm feeling it. but i'm not sinking into it.

my friend, raleigh, is an incredible source of inspiration. although we are so different, as our spiritual lives have grown, so has our friendship. i am constantly looking to her words as a source of encouragement and sometimes, even though we're in very different places in our lives, God teaches her exactly what i need to be taught. if there is one thing that i am learning over and over again from God it is even in our deepest valleys, turn back to him with praise and thanksgiving. not only does it bring Him glory, but it diminishes our focus on the valley.

you can't see a hole in the ground if you're staring at the sky.

so today, in photos (just like raleigh's photo diary!), i'm turning my valley back into praise. there are a ridiculous amount of things in my life that i am thankful for. and to be able to capture them, as a reminder to myself and a thank-you to God for His unfailing provisions, is a blessing beyond measure. here are some things that i love just from today.

my world...these three, i can't even tell you, how much i love these three.

our home...it is perfect for us. i never want to move. but i do want to paint it a different color :)
and yes, that is box of toys sitting on the overhang with 4 inches of rain in it. i don't even know
how long its been there. i don't want to know how long it's been there.

laundry on the line...there is something about the sun shining on freshly washed laundry that brings
out something special deep in my soul. i love hanging laundry on days like today.

our vegetable/fruit garden...squash, radishes and cantaloupe comin' right up! it more than reminds
me of my childhood and the vegetable garden my mom always had. taking bowls of sugar out and
picking tomatoes right off the vine and eating it right there in the dirt.

our plantlife...um, seriously. i love this purple flower and it is blooming like crazy. and those
bananas are soon going to make some fine banana bread.

creative last minute projects...i love creativity. i love making things with my hands. i love making
something out of nothing. can't beat an earring holder made with scrap wood and mosquito screen.

laundry baskets on freshly made beds and babies that mess up freshly made beds....ok, i don't love
when babies mess up freshly made beds but i do love the baby.

good books and sweetarts...i love this book 'soul cravings' by erwin raphael mcmanus. it is rocking my
world in a very unconventional way. and who doesn't love sweetarts? thanks audrey!

my firstborn...what is it about the firstborn child? i love that he is asleep on my office floor as i'm
typing this post.

Guess what the little one can do?

Emi walking from Amanda Braisted on Vimeo.

my boy.

i found my favorite picture of the boy. it says so much about him. my shy guy with such independence. but he needs to be covered with love and held within boundaries. even when he says, "i don't like you, mom," his eyes really say, "hug me. i really need it."

such imagination and wonder. he can play by himself for hours. literally. no need for intervention. but then a little head will peek around the corner, just to make sure we're still there, and he goes back to playing.

he acts so tough. people look on the outside and see an awnry little kid with attitude. but if you look inside, you see an incredibly sweet soul, trying to figure out just who he is.

my little guy. so complicated at the ripe little age of three. yet so simple to fall deeply in love with his complicated-ness.

happy birthday, munchkie

one year. so much can happen in a year. so much has happened in a year. and we couldn't have done this year without you.

you were our healing baby. our smile-inducing baby. our tear-drying baby. i don't think you could ever know how much weight your birth carried in our family. life and death. it's apparent now how they go hand-in-hand. and your little life somehow helped us through grieving your gaga's death.

emi ruth...i hate to sound all cheese-ball-y but you seriously are such joy. i'm sure all mama's think that about their babies but you really, really are. your daddy and i sometimes race each other to your room in the morning to see who gets to see you smile at us first. its like you look at us like we were all you dreamt about all night long. like our faces were exactly the ones you wanted to see.

you take your time to do everything and you do everything your own way. you weren't in a rush to sit on your own or crawl or jabber like other babies did. you waited, until you were sure that you wanted to do it, and then just did it. almost always out of the blue. no one provoking you. no one coaxing you. just you. in your own time.

you love your brother. oh, how you love your brother. you look at him like he's a superhero. you have a little sparkle in your eye when you see him running around pretending to be spiderman. you always want to touch him. like he has magic powers and just by touching him you can be like him. i hope you always adore him like you do now. he's such a good big brother and he'll do a good job when you're older of protecting you and teaching you the wonderful world of his imagination.

my hope for you is that you love others more than they maybe deserve. that you learn from others and appreciate them for their differences. that you trust and obey your daddy and i. we've made mistakes in our lives and we, although we're still learning, want to teach you to avoid them, even if the other paths seem more fun. and above all i want you to love jesus more than life itself. to find your identity in him. to embrace the gifts and talents and personality traits that he's given you. to know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and to never let anyone else make you feel any different. he knew you before you were even a thought in our minds and he will carry you through all situations, come rain or shine.

happy birthday, little munchkie. you have been a light in our lives and the slobbery kisses we needed. i can not wait to see the girl you will become. i know god has some incredible plans for you.

Fall Frenzy

We have been having some crazy fun back in the U.S.. Scratch that. We haven't been doing anything extraordinary but maybe it just feels so good to be here. I'll admit, the weeks leading up to coming back I was really dreading it. The Dominican is just home. It feels like home. It looks like home. It is home and this girl feels like a fish out of water when she's away from it. But God has very much blessed this trip already. I've been in love with winter clothes. I've been eating up all the juicy hues of fall. Only dressing the kids in oranges, burnt umbers and olive greens. I've drank two cups of warm coffee every morning just because I know I won't sweat while doing it.

It's. just. been. good.

And seriously? I've got the cutest kids ever.

And I've totally been a head-band-making Mama again...only this time...just autumn goodness.

Landon has totally been spreading his independent wings and its been an interesting road. It's amazing this unconditional love thing. As angry and hurt as it makes me when he is SO belligerent and disobedient it somehow makes me love him a little more than before his i-hate-you-mom tantrum. But its exhausting. I just hope we are parenting him the way that will bear fruit somewhere down the road because right now, it just feels tiresome.

Then, a moment later, he can run up to me and give me the biggest hug ever and tell me how much he loves me. Then he flashes that smile. The one that he's used since he was an infant to flirt his way out of any situation. And I melt. And I'm reminded that he really is a good boy and how normal this three-year-old-attitude can be.

Little Miss Emi has taken on a new name, "Ruthie." My sister, Ashley, started it and its totally taken form. She is sooo a Ruthie. And I love it because I'm reminded of my Grandma every time I hear Mike say it. I can only pray that Ruthie will aspire to be like her Great Grandma Ruth that she never got to meet.

And in a few short weeks, this little one will be one. Craziness.

10 months old...

Kinda hard to believe, but its true. Little Munchkie is 10 months old (well, almost 11 as I am clearly behind). She has changed so much in this month. She began her army crawl and has very much mastered it. It is amazing how quick she is on those knees and forearms! She puts everything in her mouth, which has caused me to be a bit of a neat freak especially in the living room where she plays the most. She clearly says "mama" "dada" "baba" and is signing "more" and "milk."

Her little personality is totally coming out these days. Our little sugar and spice. She seems so sweet and adorable and then BAM! she does something so out of the ordinary. The best example I can give is she does this thing where she sweetly, lovingly touches your face with her hand and stares into your eyes and then out of nowhere she grabs with all her might and scratches the heck out of your face. Like she totally knows she's drawing you into her sweetness just so she can do something a little mean and you'll still think she's cute. Mike and I are accustomed to her ways but I totally see new people falling for it and then ending up with a battle wound.

Either way, she's a joy. And making her presence known in our little family.

i thought our mini photoshoot was going to be a bust because this was all i got from her...

but nothing a little, purple coin purse can't fix

and then she wanted to come and eat my camera

i took this one the next day, i just think its crazy how different she looks from day-to-day

and i had to post this one from about a month ago...seriously, check out that attitude