no expectations.

when i met raleigh in college, we were pretty much instant friends. lots has happened to us in the 8 years we've known each other. we've grown up. been through things. changed. she's the kind of friend that i tell the scary stuff too. like when i question things or am struggling with something. she's profoundly deep, spiritually, (although she may try and deny it) and there isn't much i can't run by her, knowing that she'll pray for it and let me know any wisdom she may come upon. so when she told me in december-ish that she decided to spend her spring break here, i was beyond excited. maybe annoyingly excited.

i was a little nervous, too. just because i like to play hostess. i like to have the house spic and span and freshly washed sheets that smell like lavender. but sometimes people don't need a hostess. and while i'm busy trying to 'create' an experience or an environment, sometimes i miss it all. so my nervousness was just about me, knowing me, and hoping to not overwhelm a friend who needed a break, needed to rest and needed time to just 'be.'

our days were filled with nothing. good nothing. unplanned nothing. sure, i had some things that maybe we could do or not do but i really was seeking for God to let our time together be whatever He wanted it to be. and the fact that both of my kids fell in love with her the second she walked in our house was pretty much all my expectations met.

we spent a lot of time outside. eating outside. reading outside. drawing outside. it was the perfect ebb and flow of spring break that kinda felt like summer as a kid. no expectations.

rals and i went to the beach. it was my first time ever driving there myself, and probably my first time ever to the public beach while not 'working' too. we drove most of the time through rain, and as i told her, i'm the worst person ever to go to the beach as i have never gone and experienced sunshine. but the morning clouds proved to just be a ruse as the sun peaked over us right after lunch.

and you can't just eat any ordinary lunch when you're on spring break in the caribbean. so i took her to our special fish and chicken place. nothing like eyeballs staring back at you to spell r-e-l-a-x-a-t-i-o-n.

i was facing away from the beach in my chair and was kinda creeped out by this fairly alive-looking tree trunk. right out of "lord of the rings", it was.

and you can't see it here but we both got ridiculously sunburnt. not totally sure how it happened. but lets just say no matter how much you tell yourself that the clouds are blocking the suns rays, you really know better.

and the day came that raleigh had to leave on an airpwane, as landon says. he was devastated that she had to leave. every morning he would wake up and ask, "is wawee awake?" without fail. every morning. he cried big 'ol crocodile tears when he realized we weren't kidding and she, indeed, had to go. he wouldn't even really give her a hug good-bye. just to show us how 'not cool' it was that she was leaving. luckily we got some smiley pictures before we told him.

and this little girl was smitten. when raleigh sat down on the couch the first night she arrived, emi crawled up on the couch, crawled over her and plopped herself right on raleigh's lap. it was the funniest thing. like even though it was the first time she'd met her, she just knew how important she was. and emi followed rals around the rest of her time here.

it was a great trip. we had great conversations about serious stuff and non-trivial things, like march madness. we had lots of chai and hot tea. like, lots. we had ample down time and no time tables. we watched tv and rested and slept (the kids slept in too, way past what they normally do). and for a trip with no expectations, they were all met. i jokingly said to her at some point, its kinda like her vacation turned into ours too. it was unusual for me to do nothing. i tried not to clean and go crazy picking up toys. i barely touched my computer. i watched the kids play a few extra minutes than maybe i normally would, just because i could. i hope it was what she needed. because it turns out...it was exactly what we needed too.

robot

landon told me he was a robot. it made me smile. i needed it. and i adore his creativity.

identity

there will be no photos in this post. how boring, i know. so if you came here just to see some cute littles' photos, go ahead and 'x' out of your browser now.

for the rest of you...

today, i found myself for the first time ever in my life just saying, "my identity is in you, lord. not in my abilities as a soccer player. not in my gifts as a photographer. not in my mothering or my wifer-ing. :) not in my desire to be peacemaker. my identity is in you. as long as i stay connected to you, i feel so confident that i am making right choices and saying right things that it leaves no room for doubt."

by nature, i care what everyone around me thinks of my actions, my words, my thoughts...its exhausting trying to read people, reading me. but several times this week, when i caught myself wondering if the other person was mad at me or if i should have said something different or made myself a little more reserved even though i'm not reserved at all...god just whispered, "you and me, we're connected. you did, and said and thought the things that were in line with me and my will. don't second guess yourself because what you did, and said and thought weren't easy things to do and say and think."

i've felt so confident this week. there were at least three different occasions where i started worrying if i had done something wrong, should i try and rectify it, stroke someone's ego so they wouldn't be mad at me, sacrifice something that i shouldn't sacrifice to make someone else happy. and three times this week when i began my exhausting process of worrying, i stopped, felt god's reassuring voice in my mind and moved right along. it was so liberating. i can't even tell you. this is the connection i've been longing for, for most of my life. knowing that it was there and never quite reaching it. but this week it has overwhelmed me. knowing how close our god is. the god that people say doesn't exist. the god that people say is far away and wrathful. the god that created the universe but still longs to spend every waking moment helping me find my identity in him.

i had to write this feeling down because i know that satan hates it. hates that i realized it this week. hates that it has pulled me closer to my father. hates that its only strengthened my trust and faith in him and diminished this world's power over me.

finding your identity isn't an easy thing. knowing who your identity rests in, is very simple.