I was only gone for a minute...

no joke. maybe even only 45 seconds...but their skin is super silky now :)

To Our Daddy...

when us girls are little, we dream of our prince charming. we dream of the guy that will sweep us off our feet, wrap his arms around us and ride off into the sunset on a brilliant, white horse. as childish and naive as all of that sounds, its our hearts desire to find him; the one that will care for us and love us and cherish us all the days of our lives.

i found him.

and although he whisked me off in a chevy S10 pickup instead of a glistening steed, somehow i was one of the blessed ones to be swept off my feet.

our wedding day was absolute bliss. i couldn't have planned it better and certainly wouldn't change anything. it was nothing short of an incredible celebration of the uniting, not only of us, but of our families. there was laughing and dancing and glass clinking...cake smashing, booty shaking and lot of kissing. i never imagined on that day, almost six years ago, that i could love him any more than i did in those moments. its crazy how little we can imagine.

somehow as that little one grows in your belly you can't believe how much you love them without even feeling the touch of their fingers or the soft hairs on their head. but what i wasn't prepared for was how my heart would grow for Mike on the day our first child was born. there's something about a daddy and his son.

i have had the absolute pleasure of taking a center stage, first row seat, to watch how an incredible bond is formed. watching mike love landon only increased my love for him. sometimes i would sit across the room and pretend to be reading, really just watching the two of them play. mike's patience and gentle spirit, that made me fall in love with him in college, are the same characteristics that make him such an incredible dad.

there is nothing that deepens your love for another, like watching them love your babies. and to know that god not only hand-picked landon for the two of us, but also hand-picked us for landon, is a feeling we can never replace.

and as baby number two grew in my belly, i couldn't imagine loving another baby like i did landon. how was it going to be possible? but, oh, is it possible.

and to see mike be the daddy of a little girl, was more than my heart could take. somehow it grew even more, making room for emi and even more room for him.

i never understood the saying, "there's just something about a daddy and his little girl," until i witnessed it firsthand. and i can attest that there really is just something about a daddy and his little girl.

mike is the backbone of our family. he is my rock. there is no one that can calm me down or cheer me up or make me laugh, like him. there is no better fort-builder, or owie-kisser, or spiderman-avenger, than him.

the same calm demeanor and sweet spirit that swept me off my feet eight years ago, still sweeps me away today.

and even when we have to change the 46,574th diaper and watch spiderman for the 5,622nd time and we have the 456th fight over toilet paper or taking out the trash or putting laundry in the hamper...i could never imagine doing life without him.

and even though most people say that we are thousands of miles away from home, i know the real truth....

he is my home.

Happy Father's Day, Baby. We are more than blessed by how you love us.

weather forecast

i've been feelin' it, ya know; the clouds, the darkness, the rain. not weather-speaking, metaphorically-speaking. just feeling the dreariness settle in. it's part of life, i've come to realize, just knowing that days, weeks, months will be amazing and full of joy and then POW, dark.

i've missed blogging. it's my outlet. it's my relief. i took a bit of a hiatus just feeling like i couldn't add one more thing to my tasks of life not realizing how much it releases such sweet aromas of my daily blessings. i'm glad to be back. and although it isn't the most pleasant or enjoyable first post back; its something.

lately, i've been feeling inadequate. specifically in the area of motherhood. like i'm not doing enough and should be doing more. i've been impatient and sometimes unkind and quick to anger. not a biblical example of a mother, anyway. i know you should never compare, to each his own, but i struggle with it a lot. reading other friends' blogs, other mom's blogs and just thinking, "man, am i really screwing my kids up? i should totally be doing more and being more for them." and the more i sit and ponder and compare i truly feel like just giving up sometimes. like its an uphill battle. like i'm not making a difference or growing our kids into godly warriors or spending enough quality time with them that they know how deeply they are loved.

my grandma ruth always said, "we are all from dysfunctional families and spend the rest of our lives trying the heal from them." she was a pretty wise lady. and the most spiritually connected person I have ever known. we may come from good families, even great families, but the fact is we are humans living in a sin-filled, broken world. we are going to make mistakes. we are going to hurt one another. we are going to be impatient and rude and quick to anger. but what gives me hope, even on my dreariest of days, is that all this is covered with jesus. he fills the gaps. he heals the wounds. he gently corrects and guides us along the way.

he covers over my inadequacies. he makes all things new. his mercies are new in the morning. and the thing that he has been reminding me of over and over is how real and tangible night and darkness, and morning and light are. what seems impossible in the dead of night seems doable with the light of morning.

and where i fail as a mom, he succeeds as a savior.

We've got waterbabies...

kinda funny that the title would have the word waterbabies in it and no pictures of babies in water but that's kinda how it goes. mike and i are too busy trying to reign in our crazy babies in the water that there's no actual time for taking photos of them. but we have pictures of them in their suits. and that's pretty cute on its own.

we went to the beach for a night with last week's team and it was great. great to get away from normal life. great to give the kids something to do other than play in and around our house. great to soak up some vitamin D while doused in sunscreen and splashing in pools. sometimes traveling to the grocery store is a pain in the butt with two kids so traveling overnight is generally a monumental disaster, but this time it was quite pleasant.

landon remembered this resort had this fun little (very under equipped) play area because of our friends' jackie and alan, whose wedding was here. the kids probably played in these three tomatoes for 45 minutes to an hour while mike and i sat on the swings and talked. i love accidental conversation with my husband.

emi was a big 'ol mess at the pool. in the south, mess is a funny phrase for she was hysterically fun. she's never really swam in a big pool before and thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. she also thought it was fun to run around the pool's edge driving her mother half insane thinking she was going to inadvertently fall in and then run away as soon as i got within inches of her. yeah. super fun.

but the girl is pretty cute in a bathing suit and sun hat. so i forgave her.

landon was a riot. eating like a pig, poolside, and swimming around in the floaty that we actually bought for emi. he was in rare form adoring all the teenagers that were around and soaking in the extra attention. but mostly he clung to his daddy. thinking he was pretty cool and pretty big for being able to float around by himself.

and yes, he is standing on one foot while drinking a banana mama. the kid's got skillz.

besides a ridiculous fever, body aches and chills that took over my body that night, our trip to the beach was a huge success. i had waves of feeling ok, enough to enjoy the time with my family and marvel at the fact that our two kiddos are getting so big. i feel like i'll be handing landon our car keys soon. that's just scary.

no expectations.

when i met raleigh in college, we were pretty much instant friends. lots has happened to us in the 8 years we've known each other. we've grown up. been through things. changed. she's the kind of friend that i tell the scary stuff too. like when i question things or am struggling with something. she's profoundly deep, spiritually, (although she may try and deny it) and there isn't much i can't run by her, knowing that she'll pray for it and let me know any wisdom she may come upon. so when she told me in december-ish that she decided to spend her spring break here, i was beyond excited. maybe annoyingly excited.

i was a little nervous, too. just because i like to play hostess. i like to have the house spic and span and freshly washed sheets that smell like lavender. but sometimes people don't need a hostess. and while i'm busy trying to 'create' an experience or an environment, sometimes i miss it all. so my nervousness was just about me, knowing me, and hoping to not overwhelm a friend who needed a break, needed to rest and needed time to just 'be.'

our days were filled with nothing. good nothing. unplanned nothing. sure, i had some things that maybe we could do or not do but i really was seeking for God to let our time together be whatever He wanted it to be. and the fact that both of my kids fell in love with her the second she walked in our house was pretty much all my expectations met.

we spent a lot of time outside. eating outside. reading outside. drawing outside. it was the perfect ebb and flow of spring break that kinda felt like summer as a kid. no expectations.

rals and i went to the beach. it was my first time ever driving there myself, and probably my first time ever to the public beach while not 'working' too. we drove most of the time through rain, and as i told her, i'm the worst person ever to go to the beach as i have never gone and experienced sunshine. but the morning clouds proved to just be a ruse as the sun peaked over us right after lunch.

and you can't just eat any ordinary lunch when you're on spring break in the caribbean. so i took her to our special fish and chicken place. nothing like eyeballs staring back at you to spell r-e-l-a-x-a-t-i-o-n.

i was facing away from the beach in my chair and was kinda creeped out by this fairly alive-looking tree trunk. right out of "lord of the rings", it was.

and you can't see it here but we both got ridiculously sunburnt. not totally sure how it happened. but lets just say no matter how much you tell yourself that the clouds are blocking the suns rays, you really know better.

and the day came that raleigh had to leave on an airpwane, as landon says. he was devastated that she had to leave. every morning he would wake up and ask, "is wawee awake?" without fail. every morning. he cried big 'ol crocodile tears when he realized we weren't kidding and she, indeed, had to go. he wouldn't even really give her a hug good-bye. just to show us how 'not cool' it was that she was leaving. luckily we got some smiley pictures before we told him.

and this little girl was smitten. when raleigh sat down on the couch the first night she arrived, emi crawled up on the couch, crawled over her and plopped herself right on raleigh's lap. it was the funniest thing. like even though it was the first time she'd met her, she just knew how important she was. and emi followed rals around the rest of her time here.

it was a great trip. we had great conversations about serious stuff and non-trivial things, like march madness. we had lots of chai and hot tea. like, lots. we had ample down time and no time tables. we watched tv and rested and slept (the kids slept in too, way past what they normally do). and for a trip with no expectations, they were all met. i jokingly said to her at some point, its kinda like her vacation turned into ours too. it was unusual for me to do nothing. i tried not to clean and go crazy picking up toys. i barely touched my computer. i watched the kids play a few extra minutes than maybe i normally would, just because i could. i hope it was what she needed. because it turns out...it was exactly what we needed too.

robot

landon told me he was a robot. it made me smile. i needed it. and i adore his creativity.

identity

there will be no photos in this post. how boring, i know. so if you came here just to see some cute littles' photos, go ahead and 'x' out of your browser now.

for the rest of you...

today, i found myself for the first time ever in my life just saying, "my identity is in you, lord. not in my abilities as a soccer player. not in my gifts as a photographer. not in my mothering or my wifer-ing. :) not in my desire to be peacemaker. my identity is in you. as long as i stay connected to you, i feel so confident that i am making right choices and saying right things that it leaves no room for doubt."

by nature, i care what everyone around me thinks of my actions, my words, my thoughts...its exhausting trying to read people, reading me. but several times this week, when i caught myself wondering if the other person was mad at me or if i should have said something different or made myself a little more reserved even though i'm not reserved at all...god just whispered, "you and me, we're connected. you did, and said and thought the things that were in line with me and my will. don't second guess yourself because what you did, and said and thought weren't easy things to do and say and think."

i've felt so confident this week. there were at least three different occasions where i started worrying if i had done something wrong, should i try and rectify it, stroke someone's ego so they wouldn't be mad at me, sacrifice something that i shouldn't sacrifice to make someone else happy. and three times this week when i began my exhausting process of worrying, i stopped, felt god's reassuring voice in my mind and moved right along. it was so liberating. i can't even tell you. this is the connection i've been longing for, for most of my life. knowing that it was there and never quite reaching it. but this week it has overwhelmed me. knowing how close our god is. the god that people say doesn't exist. the god that people say is far away and wrathful. the god that created the universe but still longs to spend every waking moment helping me find my identity in him.

i had to write this feeling down because i know that satan hates it. hates that i realized it this week. hates that it has pulled me closer to my father. hates that its only strengthened my trust and faith in him and diminished this world's power over me.

finding your identity isn't an easy thing. knowing who your identity rests in, is very simple.

more that i love....

since the last post really helped me to keep things in perspective, i'm riding the love train again. just three things that i love and am thankful for. no matter how shallow or deep they may be :)

fried plantains...um, yum. you don't even understand how good these are unless you've come to the dominican
and tried them yourself. and believe me, you'll never go back to just plain 'ol french fries again.

crazy nap hair...she woke up like this. cute, little, heart pacifier in her mouth and this crazy mess of hair. it's
the first time in my life that i have literally run to get my camera so i wouldn't miss the initial essence of something.

girls night...i wouldn't consider myself a girl's girl. i've always had more guy friends than girlfriends. but there is something
about girlfriends that is so necessary in a girl's life. this night we literally did nothing but sit at audrey's kitchen table
and talk for five hours. the three of us have been through A WHOLE LOT in the last 4-5 years, but we keep on truckin' thanks
to the encouragement of friendship.

sinking but praising

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you
will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
-John 16:33

my days have been dark. in recent weeks there have been a lot people i know and have come in contact with that have lost loved ones. specifically children. whereas most people hear about children passing away and feel sad, i hear about children passing away and sink into a deep, dark hole.

everyone's got their thing. the thing that weighs them down sometimes. a chip on their shoulder. luggage being lugged around. mine is fear. unrealized fear. fear of things that have not happened and the fear that they will. my children passing away is just that fear.

almost two years ago i began drowning in depression. no one knew, of course. its not the kind of thing i talk about. not the kind of thing anyone talks about, really. but whereas most people who suffer with depression become depressed because of a trigger, an event, a happening that strikes them down...mine was/is a little harder to pinpoint.

i asked myself time and time again, "how can i feel this way? my children are not dead. my husband is here by my side. we are all safe and sound." but day in and day out i sat in my home, paralyzed with fear that if my family left my side, surely something would happen to them. i dreaded mike having to go anywhere without me. i didn't want my kids (well, landon, emi was still in my tummy) to go anywhere out of my sight. i confined myself to the house as much as i could and put on a happy smile when i went anywhere or saw anyone. i didn't sleep. waking up every hour to check and see if landon was still breathing or if he had passed away since the last time i checked on him. it was brutal. the whole time, satan taunting me in every way, shape and form he could. finding anything that could put me in a tailspin.

i give you this background only to help you better understand my last few weeks. although i have pulled out of the day-in-day-out depression, its ugliness lurks behind every shadow. waiting for when i'm weak to snake its way back into my spirit and paralyze me once again. with the deaths of two children just in the last two weeks, i am weak. i feel myself sinking. i feel myself obsessed with cleaning and making sure no sickness can enter our house. i feel myself waking up hourly to check and make sure the kids are breathing. i feel myself pulling away from my Source and trying to control my environment, instead of just living in His security. but something i'm armed with this time that i wasn't two years ago are His promises in His Word and His followers that continue to encourage me in ways they don't even realize they are. God is being very intentional about not letting me get to that place i was two years ago. i'm tasting it. i'm seeing it. i'm feeling it. but i'm not sinking into it.

my friend, raleigh, is an incredible source of inspiration. although we are so different, as our spiritual lives have grown, so has our friendship. i am constantly looking to her words as a source of encouragement and sometimes, even though we're in very different places in our lives, God teaches her exactly what i need to be taught. if there is one thing that i am learning over and over again from God it is even in our deepest valleys, turn back to him with praise and thanksgiving. not only does it bring Him glory, but it diminishes our focus on the valley.

you can't see a hole in the ground if you're staring at the sky.

so today, in photos (just like raleigh's photo diary!), i'm turning my valley back into praise. there are a ridiculous amount of things in my life that i am thankful for. and to be able to capture them, as a reminder to myself and a thank-you to God for His unfailing provisions, is a blessing beyond measure. here are some things that i love just from today.

my world...these three, i can't even tell you, how much i love these three.

our home...it is perfect for us. i never want to move. but i do want to paint it a different color :)
and yes, that is box of toys sitting on the overhang with 4 inches of rain in it. i don't even know
how long its been there. i don't want to know how long it's been there.

laundry on the line...there is something about the sun shining on freshly washed laundry that brings
out something special deep in my soul. i love hanging laundry on days like today.

our vegetable/fruit garden...squash, radishes and cantaloupe comin' right up! it more than reminds
me of my childhood and the vegetable garden my mom always had. taking bowls of sugar out and
picking tomatoes right off the vine and eating it right there in the dirt.

our plantlife...um, seriously. i love this purple flower and it is blooming like crazy. and those
bananas are soon going to make some fine banana bread.

creative last minute projects...i love creativity. i love making things with my hands. i love making
something out of nothing. can't beat an earring holder made with scrap wood and mosquito screen.

laundry baskets on freshly made beds and babies that mess up freshly made beds....ok, i don't love
when babies mess up freshly made beds but i do love the baby.

good books and sweetarts...i love this book 'soul cravings' by erwin raphael mcmanus. it is rocking my
world in a very unconventional way. and who doesn't love sweetarts? thanks audrey!

my firstborn...what is it about the firstborn child? i love that he is asleep on my office floor as i'm
typing this post.

Guess what the little one can do?

Emi walking from Amanda Braisted on Vimeo.