Me Observa

photo credit: kyle zehr

For so long in my Christian walk I've feared God.  Not in the way you should, in adoration of His awesome power, but fearing that He was waiting for just the right moment to punish me for all of the things I had done in my past.  I carried a lot of guilt for the life I lived before I knew Him as my Savior and I could never wrap my mind around the fact that I was forgiven completely and that my slate was wiped clean by his love and mercy.

A few days ago I was on one of my morning runs and I was listening to Kari Jobe's spanish album.  The song "Tu Eres Para Mi" came on.  It means "You Are For Me."  I've listened to the song many times, both in English and Spanish, but this time was different.  I knew in my spirit as soon as the first notes were played that God was speaking to me in the intimate way only He can.

I was listening closely, mouthing the words as each foot hit the pavement.  I was waiting for what I knew was coming.  And then the words came, "Me observa."  If I had been listening to the song in English it would not have had the impact that it did.  "Me observa" in English means you watch me or you see me.  And although it sounds nice and pleasant in the language that I grew up speaking, it meant something totally different in the language I am learning and am still a student of.  "Me observa" in Spanish is something so much deeper.  Although it means "to see or to watch" in it's literal terms, it also means "to observe."  It was right in that moment that I knew what God has wanted to say to me all along.  I have known and loved Him for almost 12 years but he has KNOWN and loved me my whole life.  Not in the way I've thought, like a God disappointed in my actions and waiting for an opportunity to teach me a lesson but like a new Dad who gazes upon His newborn and loves her from the second He lays eyes on her.  Observing her eyelashes and her pouty lips, the tiny hairs on her cheeks.  Memorizing her and breathing in every ounce of her.  His love growing more with her every breath.

God hasn't been watching me, waiting for me to make more mistakes and wondering when the right moment is to punish me for the things I've done.  He's been observing me, as a good Father would, allowing me to make those mistakes, knowing that sometimes it is the only way His daughter would learn.  He could rescue me from the pitfalls that this world offers me but every good parent knows that rescuing their children every time they are going to fall only enables them to keep repeating their behavior.  As hard as it is, as heart-wrenching as it is to watch His daughter struggle, and hurt, and fall and scrape her knees, He knows that these things shape her.  That they make her acutely aware of the ability she has within herself to call upon her Daddy whenever she wants, not to rescue her from the things that are put in her life, but for Him to hold her, kiss her forehead and tell her that He understands.

"My child, my beloved daughter, you have no idea how much it hurts me to see you going through this.  And although I can't explain it fully to you, as your Father, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is what is best.  You may be mad at me, you may want to slam your bedroom door in my face, you may even say to yourself 'what kind of Father lets her daughter suffer like this?' but I see the final outcome.  I know where you will be in a month, a year, a decade.  And although I want nothing else than to rescue you, I am going to have to sit here, with you in my arms, letting your tears fall in my hands, instead.  Trust me...please trust me."

I do, Daddy.  I trust You.  I know that it is hard for You to watch Your children suffer in this world.  I can't even imagine the heartache You feel everyday knowing that You have the power to rescue us all but the time hasn't come to do so yet.  And until that day, when you WILL come and rescue us, I will settle for crawling into your arms, letting You hold me and watching my tears fall into your hands.

Because there is no safer place to be.