Me Observa

photo credit: kyle zehr

For so long in my Christian walk I've feared God.  Not in the way you should, in adoration of His awesome power, but fearing that He was waiting for just the right moment to punish me for all of the things I had done in my past.  I carried a lot of guilt for the life I lived before I knew Him as my Savior and I could never wrap my mind around the fact that I was forgiven completely and that my slate was wiped clean by his love and mercy.

A few days ago I was on one of my morning runs and I was listening to Kari Jobe's spanish album.  The song "Tu Eres Para Mi" came on.  It means "You Are For Me."  I've listened to the song many times, both in English and Spanish, but this time was different.  I knew in my spirit as soon as the first notes were played that God was speaking to me in the intimate way only He can.

I was listening closely, mouthing the words as each foot hit the pavement.  I was waiting for what I knew was coming.  And then the words came, "Me observa."  If I had been listening to the song in English it would not have had the impact that it did.  "Me observa" in English means you watch me or you see me.  And although it sounds nice and pleasant in the language that I grew up speaking, it meant something totally different in the language I am learning and am still a student of.  "Me observa" in Spanish is something so much deeper.  Although it means "to see or to watch" in it's literal terms, it also means "to observe."  It was right in that moment that I knew what God has wanted to say to me all along.  I have known and loved Him for almost 12 years but he has KNOWN and loved me my whole life.  Not in the way I've thought, like a God disappointed in my actions and waiting for an opportunity to teach me a lesson but like a new Dad who gazes upon His newborn and loves her from the second He lays eyes on her.  Observing her eyelashes and her pouty lips, the tiny hairs on her cheeks.  Memorizing her and breathing in every ounce of her.  His love growing more with her every breath.

God hasn't been watching me, waiting for me to make more mistakes and wondering when the right moment is to punish me for the things I've done.  He's been observing me, as a good Father would, allowing me to make those mistakes, knowing that sometimes it is the only way His daughter would learn.  He could rescue me from the pitfalls that this world offers me but every good parent knows that rescuing their children every time they are going to fall only enables them to keep repeating their behavior.  As hard as it is, as heart-wrenching as it is to watch His daughter struggle, and hurt, and fall and scrape her knees, He knows that these things shape her.  That they make her acutely aware of the ability she has within herself to call upon her Daddy whenever she wants, not to rescue her from the things that are put in her life, but for Him to hold her, kiss her forehead and tell her that He understands.

"My child, my beloved daughter, you have no idea how much it hurts me to see you going through this.  And although I can't explain it fully to you, as your Father, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is what is best.  You may be mad at me, you may want to slam your bedroom door in my face, you may even say to yourself 'what kind of Father lets her daughter suffer like this?' but I see the final outcome.  I know where you will be in a month, a year, a decade.  And although I want nothing else than to rescue you, I am going to have to sit here, with you in my arms, letting your tears fall in my hands, instead.  Trust me...please trust me."

I do, Daddy.  I trust You.  I know that it is hard for You to watch Your children suffer in this world.  I can't even imagine the heartache You feel everyday knowing that You have the power to rescue us all but the time hasn't come to do so yet.  And until that day, when you WILL come and rescue us, I will settle for crawling into your arms, letting You hold me and watching my tears fall into your hands.

Because there is no safer place to be.

Colorado - our beautiful battlefield

I've been writing this post in my head for over a month.  Not really sure how to share what I want to share.  I want to keep private what needs to be kept private but write hoping that it can help another family that may be struggling with similar things.  I had a lot of time to think through the course of our lives over the past two months and it is all but remarkable where God has brought us to.   At the beginning of January, I would have told you it would have been impossible.

***

We stepped off the plane at the Denver airport after being delayed because of weather.  It was already dark and we had to locate our rental car place and still drive another 90 miles.  Mike and I were a little snippy with each other and the kids sensed the tension.  Neither one of them were exactly sure why we boarded a plane that didn't end up in the Dominican.

After waiting for what seemed like forever for a shuttle to take us to our rental car, we were on edge.  It had way less to do with a delayed flight and the inconveniences of airport transportation and way more to do with the reasons why we were in Colorado in the first place.

In March of 2012 our world felt like it was falling apart.  Our sweet, sensitive, endearing, caring and loving 4 year old became angry, violent and sometimes utterly belligerent.  It felt like it was completely out of nowhere.  Like, one day he woke up and decided to hate us.  He used words that were hard to hear coming from a child's mouth.  His actions were completely incomprehensible.  His demeanor and even his expressions changed to something we had never witnessed before.  It was scary and unnerving and we thought that this couldn't possibly be happening to our family.

Our first morning at The Ranch

After months and months of trying different things and meeting with different people I had resorted to the fact that this was going to be our lives forever; a child that we loved so deeply, falling apart at the seems.

We arrived at Blessing Ranch in absolute darkness; both literally and figuratively.  We unpacked our things and settled in.  The kids were burning off energy, because of an 8:00pm nap, by running circles around every room.  I sat on the bed and the unknown loomed over me.  What if this doesn't work?  What if this is what the rest of our lives will look like?  What if he only gets worse?  I cried again like I had almost every day for the previous ten months and Landon walked in on me.  I lied and told him I was just happy to be in such an awesome place.



I don't do well with the unexpected and I am always skeptical of quick fixes.  I didn't believe for a second that five days in a place could change the course of our lives, even though I really wanted to.  But I woke up early that first morning ready to give this place a shot.  I mean, what did we have to lose.  I rounded the corner from our bedroom to see a sight we hadn't seen in our late night arrival.  A wall of windows gleamed back at me as I stared at the blue mountain scape caressed by the most perfect color of orange terrain that seamlessly blended into one another.  Years of art classes and studying the effects of complimentary colors literally panned out in front of me.  God reassured me, only He can do something this spectacular.  It was as if that first glimpse gave me what I needed to throw caution to the wind and trust a Father who has been nothing but faithful since the day I first gave Him my heart.  My load was lightened.

I could tell you all about the two sessions a day of sitting in a room with an absolutely charming counselor who I was completely cold to for the first two days and with whom I became a blubbering mess of emotions with later.  About hours of Landon drawing pictures and meltdowns and then breakthroughs and things we had no idea about before our time there.  And how, by the absolute grace of God, Emi sat patiently and quietly for hours on end playing with Barbies and legos, all the while almost oblivious to the hurt and the fear and the tension melting away right in front of her.

It was nothing short of a miracle.

Our favorite little gazebo, Landon thought it was "so awesome"

We listened to our son talk about how when he gets upset about something it makes him feel "really hot" and then it makes him even more mad.  How he's scared to be alone in a room because "the devil wants him to be on his team and he's too little to fight him on his own."  How he feels so "out of control and wants to be nice" but he just can't.

I can't tell you how hard it is to hear your little boy say things that most forty year old men can't even express but the fact that he had the words to describe how he was feeling was, like I said, nothing short of a miracle.



We had nothing but time to spend with our kids putting puzzles together and going on "nature hunts" and playing Simon Says.  We were greeted with rabbits, deer and elk.  I've never had more of a desire to wake up early to see a sunrise in my life.  Every day we spent out in the wilderness I could feel my boy coming back to life.  And maybe I was coming back to life too.

This little blondie blended in with the background, it's a good thing we packed bright-colored clothes!

Not every moment was perfect and there were plenty of tough moments to account for but one thing that continuously rang on every thorny thistle and every mountain peak, was hope.  Hope for a future yet unwritten.  Hope for a boy who felt trapped in his overstimulated body.  Hope in a God that does nothing but mesmerize those who take a second to see His awesome power...even in the deepest valleys.



After only five days on The Ranch, we were equipped with a diagnosis, a list of activities to help Landon cope with his sensory issues and a plan to follow if we came upon any of the difficult scenarios we had been in over the past year.

After only five days, Landon improved drastically...and when I say drastically, I mean drastically.

Probably my favorite shot out of the 300 I took

God showed up.  Not in the way I thought He would and not even in the way I wanted Him to but in the way He knew would be best.  I've met countless people who have lost their faith or wavered in their faith when they couldn't see how God could allow something so awful to happen to them, if they were His so-called children.  What we have endured in the past year has been so excruciatingly painful that it wouldn't do it justice to put into words.  And it wouldn't do Landon justice to tell you either.  But what I can say is that God found a way to bring me to my knees every day.  To intervene for my son through prayer like I had never before.  To trust the steps He was asking me to take when I couldn't even see one foot in front of the other.  To bring me to a place of intimacy with Him that may have never been possible any other way.

The sunrise on our last morning.  The kids woke up early too and couldn't believe how amazing it was.

My son is not like your son and he will never be.  But he is beautiful and eccentric and artistic and loving and passionately sensitive and fiercely aware of a God who is taking him on his own journey, unique to him.  And I am learning more and more everyday since the trip to Colorado that God is doing the exact same thing with me.

This picture was taken a half an hour after the sunrise picture above...we literally watched the wall of snow hit us

"We too often forget that people will also follow our grief to get to Jesus. They will watch us on the day our spouse walks out the door or the business goes bankrupt or the child runs away or we receive an ominous diagnosis. They will watch...and they will look to see if the God we preached on our best day can sustain us on the hardest one." 

-Beautiful Battlefields, Bo Stern



***Landon was diagnosed on the spectrum of three things:  1) Hyperactivity 2) Sensory Dysfunction Disorder with an oversensitivity to movement 3) Spiritual Warfare...since our visit to The Ranch, Landon has had only two meltdowns in two months (and they were comparatively small).  He used to have at least two meltdowns a day.  We have restructured our days at home, implemented a lot more schedules and stick to a stricter diet for him (a lot less sugar).  It is incredible the changes we have seen. 

Quick Crafts for my sanity

Somehow I always forget how much I need creativity in my life.  I don't know how I could possibly forget this fact considering it has been engrained in my DNA since I came out of the womb.  Either way, I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately and started reorganizing my time and looking for some margin in my life.  That's when I realized that I had not been making any room for a creative outlet.  My friends, Jackie and Audrey, are always inspiring me with their homes and how they make time to create.  And really, what girl can live without a little home decorating?  So this week, I reintroduced my "15 minutes of quick crafts for my sanity."  Each little project didn't take any more than 15 minutes each and can be spread out to a little each day or, like this morning, I had a little extra time because it's the weekend (yay!) and I did a couple projects all at once.  Enjoy!

Kids Chalkboard

Supplies:
Chalkboard Paint - $10 for a pint (we have lots left over for other projects)

Smooth Plywood - $10 

Time:  15 minutes for two coats of paint + a husband to mount it to the wall :)

Curtains for our Casita

Supplies:
Old Tablecloth - FREE

Hot glue gun - Already had it

Glue sticks - Already had it

Wire - Already had it

2 pieces of twine - Already had it

Time: 15 minutes each set (total of 30 minutes)

I simply cut the curtains to the length and width I needed and then hot glued the seems instead of sewing.  Thread the fabric onto wire to hang.  Then I used the twine to bunch the fabric to keep the windows open!

We finally put flowers in the planter boxes!  Only took us 3 years :)

Pallet Display

Supplies: 

Old Pallet - FREE

Repurposed pallet nails - FREE

hammer

Time: 15 minutes to nail pallet boards together + a husband to mount it to the wall

Fabric Wrapped Frames

Supplies:

Scraps of Fabric - FREE

Cheap Frames - $1 each

Hot glue gun

Glue sticks

Twine

Staple Gun

Time: 10 minutes each frame

Directions:  Carefully place fabric on the corners in a cross section.  Then glue a small portion of fabric strips and begin wrapping the fabric around the frame until entire frame is covered.  Use a staple gun to staple pieces of twine to the back of the frame and hang!  Super easy and looks great!

Burlap Banner

Supplies:

Burlap - approx. $5/yd

scissors

white paint

paint brush

twine

glue gun

glue sticks

Time: 30 minutes

Directions:  Cut enough triangles of burlap to make the word you want to paint.  Put a small amount of hot glue across the broad part of the burlap triangle and fold it over a long piece of twine.  Repeat until all burlap squares are glued on.  Then use a wide paint brush and white paint to write a letter on each of the triangles.  Put two nails in the pallet display and tie the twine onto the nails.

Home

We've been back in the Dominican for almost three weeks and Landon says to me last night, "Mom, I never want to leave the Dominican again." I think they are happy to be home...and it looks like if you want to see Landon you're going to have to visit him here!

 

my joy.

when i realized that i hadn't posted on our family blog since september, i just about died.  if you knew how much i love to write and share stories about our growing littles, you would know why i am so horrified.  i have completely slacked.  but i AM going to turn this corner.

so let's just pretend i have been consistently blogging for the past four months and we are well acquainted with all that has been going on in the braisted home.

moving right along.

my little emi is three.  (and yes, someday, i will post pictures from her third birthday--which happened two months ago.  ugh.)  she has changed so much over the course of the last two months that she is hardly recognizable.  she still sports her golden locks and sassy brown eyes but she has changed into this little person.  

she dances at the first inkling that music is going to play.  she has moves and motions and "hips that don't lie."  seriously, we are going to have to chain her to her seat when she gets older.  she can shake it like a real latina.

the last year with her has been a little rough.  she is bossy and independent, mouthy and defiant.  what was adorable as a nine month old, was not adorable as a two year old.  i promise.  but she has really come into her own over the last couple of months.  don't get me wrong, she still has her "moments" but she definitely has decided that being obedient and polite is a better route than punishment and disappointment.

i have really enjoyed her.  i've had flashes of the future of her and i, the best of friends, chatting about life over coffee.  i mean, we have to survive teenage-hood first, but i can see it nonetheless.

she cuddles at a moments' notice.  hugs with abandon.  swoons over princesses as they are kissed by their prince.  coddles a crying baby doll and soothes them with a song.  she is all girl with a hint of tomboy.  just like her mama.

i don't know what the third year will bring but i am doing my darndest to hold tight to these precious moments with her.  it feels like we just brought her home from the hospital and here she is dressing up in gowns and pearls.  

oh my little emi.  you are my joy.

the boy sure is creative!

Landon's Creative Game - August 2012 from Amanda Braisted on Vimeo.

...and they're off!

I am going to pretend that the summer isn't over.  I am also going to pretend that I am not old enough to have two children in school.  I am currently pretending that they are not there now, as I write.

There's a lot of pretending going on in this house today.

No matter what I want to make myself believe, I do indeed have two children sitting in their classes at this very moment.  One in Pre-Kindergarten and the other in Preschool.  I literally can't wrap my mind around it.

Landon had a rough time as usual.  Cried quite a bit once he got to his class.  He was all excited to start school today but it fell apart once he got there.  Let me tell you, if Mike had not been there with me today I would have grabbed him, ran out of that school yard, hugged him and told him he never had to go back again.  Listening to your child cry out your name brings up way too many feelings of bad parenting and abandonment issues.  I can just see him resenting me when he's older.

Emi on the other hand was smooth as pie.  She was a little confused as to what she was doing there with a bunch of strangers but no tears, no problem.

Drama aside, I did take our first day of school pictures and I can't believe how grown up they look.  And I'm still in shock that Emi joined Landon this year.

Here's to lots of learning, less tears and a great school year!

Time flies to FIVE

This day, five years ago at 5:30 in the morning, I felt my first contraction.  I got up, ate some breakfast, took a shower and decided to wake Mike up around 7:30.  We called our doctor, got on the road and we were at the hospital by 9:30am.  The rest is history.

I remember changing my mind when they wheeled me back to the birthing room.  I decided that I was quite comfortable with Landon in my belly (although heart burn, bruised ribs and cankles the size of tree trunks would say otherwise).  I really wasn't ready for him to be out.  But when his little heart rate started to drop and they uttered the words "emergency c-section" i just wanted him safely in my arms.

There's something quite peculiar that happens when you see your child for the first time.  In an instant, a minutes-old infant changes your entire life yet it still feels like they have always been a part of it.

He was the most beautiful boy I had ever laid my eyes on.  He smelled like nothing I had ever known before.  I held him on my chest and felt his little heart beat knowing that somehow, just hours before my body was sustaining his and now here he is.  Pink.  Brown-haired.  Round nose.  Tiny Fingers.  My son.

Somehow, that baby is nowhere to be seen.  And what is left in his place is a smart, curious, creative, challenging, energetic, intuitive, sensitive, and passionate five-year old boy.

This year was so different than others.  We had a big note on our calendar marking his birthday and everyday he would ask how many days were left.  He was acutely aware that his special day was coming and amidst the craziness of our summer schedule, we wanted him to know just how special his day really was.  How else do you do that but light birthday candles on your morning peanut butter and nutella sandwich?  He couldn't believe his day was already starting out like this!

The next seven hours were spent in the pool.  Our friends Tim and Samira loaned us their big kid pool and Landon couldn't get enough.  Both Landon and Emi spent most of seven hours swimming, coming inside only to eat (and that was because I forced them too).

Landon's best friend, Hanani, came over to swim too and if his birthday would have ended right there, he would have been perfectly happy.  Friends do that for birthdays.

And then Daddy had the evening off and he swam too.  I'm not sure the smile came off of Landon's face the entire time they were all swimming together.

Poor little Emi just didn't get it.  She kept walking around the house saying, "Emi birthday, too."  Wondering where her candles were and where her best friends were and why she didn't have a pink cake waiting in the fridge.  But she made the most of undivided Daddy and Bubba time.

We ate cake and opened presents and you would never guess the thing Landon was most excited about.

Tape.

Yes, we got him tape for his birthday.  Duct tape, masking tape and scotch tape.  If you could see a picture of his room (which sometime I'll have to put a picture up here) you would know why tape was the best gift ever.  This kid LOVES him some tape.  He tapes pictures on the wall, makes contraptions with tape, finds sticks and toilet paper rolls and old game pieces to hang with tape.  He is insane for tape.  I couldn't imagine what he would have done had any of the stores here had the kind of duct tape with prints on it or in different colors.  We might have had to pick him off the floor.

Somehow we have a five-year old.  I hate to think how quickly time is flying by but with every passing year there is something more to love about our little guy.  Or big guy, rather.  Wouldn't want to accidentally say "little" in front of Landon.

It was quite fitting that one week, to the day, before Landon turned five, he lost his first tooth.  Every five minutes he'd stop whatever he was doing and run into our bathroom to look at his empty space one more time. 

I love you, little man.  I've never known anyone who can bring me such joy or challenge me the way you do.  Your Daddy and I couldn't be more proud of the boy you are becoming.  God blessed us richly with you and I couldn't imagine my life without you, my first born.

What's New

i always seem to skip over the fact that my kids are growing up right in front of my eyes.  and the reality is i get to see them growing up, at least.  family and friends back in the States don't.  so this quick little post is just for all of you (whoever you are) that follow our family blog.

these two have been a handful lately.  it's a 50/50 shot what kind of day its going to be.  they can be the best of friends; sweet, kind, helpful.  then they can be the worst of enemies; throwing things, hitting each other, slamming doors in each other's faces.  it feels a bit like a reality show for parenting around here lately.  i keep expecting that British lady to show up on my doorstep and tell me all the things i am doing wrong.  then out of nowhere i will get a hundred "please's" and "thank you's" and hugs and "i love you's."  i would call our house a ying and yang right now, if i believed in that sort of a thing.

emi is a princess with a capital "P."  she has me put makeup on her almost every morning.  she walks around in cinderella heels.  she gets really sassy when she wants something and stands there with her hands on her hips until she gets it.  and she is loving her some friends.  the other day my friend, audrey, came over with her little girl, ruby ann.  emi thinks she is ruby's mom; takes care of her, tells her what to do, puts her pacifier in her mouth if she's dropped it.

she has another set of friends, amelia and stella, who live across the street.  i don't have any new pictures of the three of them together but they all stand at their own gates and yell across the street at one another.  it is so incredibly adorable!

landon has come out of his little shell.  he is not nearly as shy as he used to be.  he says one of his favorite things are "groups" (or the missions teams that come down to the dominican), and he loves to see himself on the camera.  for example; the frames below.  haha.

things have still been a little difficult around here with some pretty heavy spiritual attacks, sleepless nights and temper tantrums but when i see photos like the ones above, i am reminded that His mercies are new in the morning and He guides us through the most difficult of times to joy on the other side.

insane, ridiculous, fantastic

i felt the crazy desire to blog this morning.  i have taken a little hiatus from our personal blog, not really intentionally, but not unintentionally either.  in fact, i kinda forgot about blogging about our family life until my mom mentioned that my last post had been about Christmas crafts in late November.

quite frankly, i didn't feel like blogging.  our family had a rough six months that included some pretty serious spiritual attacks, tough parenting stuff, hard decisions and overwhelming exhaustion.  i didn't feel like blogging about "pretty" things when life just didn't feel that pretty.

but this morning, as i sit in one of my favorite houses that rests on one of my favorite farms, our littlest one came around the corner with crazy bed head and the sweetest smile.  i simply forgot the past six months and wanted to share with whoever follows this blog, one of my life's greatest joys.

this little one was an answer to prayers we didn't even know we needed.  she helped us through one of the most difficult times we've ever faced and many times i look at her sweet little face and am reminded that even in the midst of her temper tantrums, she literally saved our family from sinking too deeply into our grief over losing mike's dad, joe.

she is rowdy and rambunctious and pushes buttons i never knew i had.  she is fiery and opinionated and independent.  she draws me to my knees everyday in prayer asking God how on earth i am supposed to raise her to be the woman He wants her to be when i can barely get her to listen when i ask her to simply pick up her toys.

she questions everything and does very little i ask her to do, the first time.  she antagonizes her brother and taunts her father and overwhelms her mother.

but she is insanely passionate.  ridiculously nurturing.  fantastically loving.  she is the funniest little thing that comes up with the craziest ideas.  she is expressive and outgoing.  she's never met a stranger and likes everyone she's met.  she resists her boundaries but holds tightly to them too.  she is one of my life's greatest joys and i couldn't imagine our lives without her.  in fact, our lives would probably be pretty boring and mundane without her.

and above all, i know, without a doubt that all the things that drive me crazy about her, God will find a way to make those things work for the good of His kingdom.  And for me, that's all the confirmation I need to watch and train and guide her even through the toughest of her little stages.